Reading and Rockstar

Just one more chapter, just a few more pages, then I'll quit and do what I need to do. FAT CHANCE! I am like an addict once I start reading a good book--I just can't stop. Now I am not reading quality literature, mind you, it is more like a series of murder/romance mystery novels. It is mindless, and escape of sorts. That has been my M.O. today...read while I was on the elliptical machine, rand errands, sat down and read some more, finally took a shower, sat down and read some more. I am truly ignoring what should be done--like unloading the dishwasher and putting clothes away...actually, I should be doing my schoolwork. As is true with many things in my life, the less I have to do, the less motivated I am to do it. I have been procrastinating on a number of things for school for, oh, the last 6 weeks--but it is time to face the music. Why do we procrastinate? Is it really that we just don't feel like doing something? Is it because we don't know what we are doing and so we just put it off? I am sitting here, sipping a sugar-free Rockstar (I really don't understand the hype surrounding this bizarre cocktail of nutrients--it tastes like weird bubblegum and turns your pee a disconcerting color of neon green, kinda like methotrexate pee), procrastinating. Part of my procrastination has been fooling around on the "Stumble!" site and seeing what I come across--its so nice and mindless! In my stumbles I came across a site that I have seen before and really liked--so that will be my self-lesson for the day--follow these mental heuristics:

If you want something done, do it yourself

Comment: Obviously true, and doing it is usually very good for your self esteem. A surprising amount of work can be done this way, and experts are not always necessary. However, there is a risk of becoming overworked if you try to do everything yourself - we all need other people after all.

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Never procrastinate anything you can do right now

Comment: Very powerful. There are many things that can be fixed or solved with a minimum of effort, but are often pushed aside as unimportant. Unfortunately they won't go away, and in time the feelings of guilt for not having done them will make you even less likely of fixing the problems.

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When you have several things you could be doing and don't know which to do: Just do any one of them!

Comments: If you cannot decide between two or more possibilities, then there is a good chance that the differences don't matter. However, most people begin to hesitate in this kind of situation (Fredkin's paradox). If you are conscious of this, you can just choose one choice randomly or according to some standard method.

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Always assume that you will succeed

Comments: If you don't expect to succeed in an endeavor, then you will not do your best and will not notice possible solutions, while if you feel that you will eventually succeed you will concentrate all your power at the problem. Of course, there is no point in attempting what you cannot do, a certain amount of self-knowledge is always needed.

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If you can't find a solution, change the rules.

Comment: Remember that there are no no-win scenarios.

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If you cannot do anything about something, there is no point in worrying about it.

Comment: Worrying is stressful, and in most situations doesn't accomplish anything - it just wastes energy. Instead of worrying about things, either do something about them or find ways around the problem. One useful idea is to write down your worries on slips of paper, and then put them away in a box. Regularly, once a week or so, you open the box and see what you can do about the worries that are still relevant.

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Do not rely on conscious decisions for speed - Just Do It

Comments: The conscious mind is surprisingly slow, conscious choices and actions are delayed for a significant time (a reflex acts within some tens of milliseconds, an unconscious reaction to external stimuli circa 100 milliseconds and a conscious choice several seconds). The duty of the conscious mind is usually to inhibit rather than start action, and if you become too conscious of what you are doing in a tense situation you will hesitate or slow down.

It is a good idea to learn to rely on your non-conscious mind, since our conscious mind is slow and has very low bandwidth while the other systems in our brains have a tremendous capacity and actually do most of the real work anyway.

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Don't try to explain away your actions for yourself

Comment: While we often do things we do not want to explain our real motivations for before other people (out of fear of embarrassment, anger or loss of image), it is a bad idea to try to convince oneself that the motivation was anything different from what it was. It will only reduce your self-knowledge with deliberate misinformation, and it is often valuable to understand what motivations you have (even if you dislike them or would never admit them in public).

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Listen to your intuition, but do not believe it unconditionally

Comments: Intuitive or emotional thinking, analogies, "gut feelings" or "flashes of inspiration" can sometimes give fantastic new insights or show problems from a new direction. Unfortunately such thinking isn't always reliable, and quite often completely wrong! Such insights should never be accepted because you admire their beauty or they are intuitive, only because they fit with reality.

And with that...I am off to do something productive

Me

I am embracing myself, my whole, my thoughts and feelings--my me. I am finding myself...which means lists. I love lists. I love crossing things off lists. I make lists when I am bored in class or waiting for friends at the mall (ooh that sounds so 6th grade) or when I am trying to fall asleep at night....so here are a few things about me...a list (muahahahaha)

1. One of my pet peeves is when people don't call when they say they are going to call. WTF. We all have cell phones--its not like you aren't close to a phone. Fine, I understand if you n't talk, but its still not hard to say that to a person when you call them. Either way--call like you say you are going to. Or send a voice mail--you don't even have to call for real! Or text! C'mon people--its a common courtesy. I am less annoyed by people who don't call you back when you leave them multiple messages, but I can forget about that more easily.
   
2. I am very texture-sensitive about foods--which is why my mother in law's leftovers scare me. I don't like onions on pizza or in lasagna. All the yucky parts in chicken should be taken off PRIOR to cooking. If I bite into something that crunches or is rubbery when it shouldn't be, the meal is over. YUCK!
3. I drink my milk with ice cubes in it and I like any food that is supposed to be hot to be ATOMIC hot
4. I love thunderstorms and blizzards.
5. I have my first cavity this year:-(
6. I have an older brother--he once rolled me down the stairs hogtied wrapped in a flannel blanket--we are friends now. We look nothing alike and people are confused about who is older. I am 3 years younger.
7. I am the spitting image of my father but I can feel when I am making the same faces my mom makes
8. I never lost my Moro reflex as a baby--I startle with even the slightest noise and it gets to me sometimes
9. Loud noises really bother me occasionally (another reason my MIL gets to be sometimes)
10. I love the smell of pine-sol, rain on hot asphalt, and fresh baking bread.
    

Signs

I got to thinking today...what would happen if I let "signs" run my life? The night I started my blog, Jillian, the bachelorette, wore pink high heels (on a tangent, she chose the wrong man--Ed and his mankini were a bad choice, she was a fool to pass up Kiptyn--he was a real steal, like anything you buy at the VS semi-annual sale)--was that a sign? Maybe. How about Tuesday--last week I found out that I need to be tested for antiphospholipid syndrome and there was a women on the mother/baby suite who had it and was having troubles. Or how about today--finding 6 matching baskets at Target (I have been looking for 6 matching baskets for 2 months now) and they were on clearance. Or the boat in Ft. Lauderdale named the Bella Contessa--my nick name combined with the name I want to name my daughter (no, I am not packing a fetus at this point in time)....or maybe signs are like horoscopes and tarot cards--people apply them to their lives as they wish--they want to see them work and so mentally they figure out a way for the signs to really mean something or the horoscope to be true. I don't think that there is anything wrong with this--I think that it can be a powerful motivator, but I don't necessarily believe that it is true. Ahhh, the power of suggestion...
There is something spooky, romantic, mystical, amazing about the idea of following the signs. Maybe because it is an excuse to not have to make decisions, to ride on the whims of the universe. Some might see it as a way to live freely...others as a way to avoid taking responsibility for anything. Ask yourself, do you believe in signs?

ESB, Breastfeeding and Aggressive Driving

I am sitting naked, wrapped in a soft, fuzzy blanket, nursing my Redhook ESB. I didn't take off all my clothes for shits and giggles--I don't particularly enjoy being nude--I just didn't want to get a more pimples and a yeast infection from sitting around in sweaty work-out gear--that would just add insult to injury. I spent the day learning about breastfeeding--fascinating what the girls can really do. I saw lots of boobs today--didn't know that an areola could be nearly the size of a dinner plate--THAT'S HUGE! Also can't say that I have ever heard anyone refer to a boob as a big mac before...would you like the special sauce with that? My adventures in breast feeding were at Holy Cross Hospital in Silver Spring, which is only important because it means I have quite a commute. No offense to Maryland drivers, but what the hell is wrong with all of you? There is never any question when I have passed into Maryland driving space on the beltway--all of the sudden I am surrounded by asshole drivers doing 80 and not using turn signals. What is that about? Routinely, I get extremely aggravated by merely having to be on the beltway--but being on the beltway in Maryland adds a special je ne c'est quoi...it drives me up a wall! In the midst of my sailor-mouth swearing this morning, however, I stopped to think about my aggravation, the chest pressure, the gripping of the steering wheel with knuckles white and sweaty palms--and questioned my heightened physical and emotional reaction. Is it really worth it? No. It really isn't. I can't change how any of those people drive--though I have often contemplated holding up demeaning signs as I pass them too closely on the right--or even just informative signs, like "Your turn-signal is on the right side of your steering wheel--use it!" or "Consider looking in your blind spot before changing lanes without a turn signal!" (Yes, I have an obsession with turn signals--it dates back my my driving lessons years ago). However, if I can't change anything, why get wound up about it? I have my life lesson for the day--now it is just a matter of sticking to it and applying it elsewhere. Vow - I will not get worked up over the asinine Maryland drivers because I cannot change them. I will not let my vital signs change because of people doing stupid shit that I cannot do anything about. I will take a deep breath and move on--at the requisite 80mph around the inner loop while in PG County. I will look for other opportunities to apply said lesson. Stay tuned.

Shadows on My Thighs

We have moved the elliptical machine from the foyer (yes, a little ghetto, but welcome to home renovation) to my favorite room in the house--the yellow room. By the time I get around to getting on the elliptical in the afternoon the sun shines through the windows "just so," highlighting certain objects in the room--including my thighs when I am on the elliptical machine. I noticed this the other day--and was less than pleased with what I saw. There was, of course, fuzz covering my pasty legs--that's is, after all, what happens when you don't shave for 10 days--but more disturbing was the cellulite. Now, I realize that all woemn have cellulite...blah blah blah--but really? On the TOPS of my thighs--everywhere--covered in fuzz? Come on nature--cut me some freaking slack! Now, I am no svelte Victoria Secret model, nor will I ever be, but it isn't like I don't work out--I am trying here! Is this about getting older? Where your attempts to change your body are fruitless because you are fighting some cruel change in metabolism and redistribution of body fat? How many times do women need to go through this--the "change" in our bodies--we are like damn shape-shifters--like that guy from some star trek-esque show that had the funny nose and always wore grey. Can't I just opt out? No thank you, I don't want for my body to change again, adolescence was traumatic enough thank you!
Needless to say, my motivation and irritation was renewed by said discovery and I am blogging from the damn elliptical machine now. Jeez. Here is where I am supposed to have some insightful and deep comment about loving my body and person within as part of finding myself. Fuck that. I will be there someday, but right now is not it. I was much more inspired after my Yuengling Black and Tan yesterday--maybe I will have something deeper after my Redhook ESB--AFTER I get off the freaking elliptical. ARGH!!!!

Yes--Pink High Heels

I am new to this blogging thing...but I like the idea of being held accountable for what I am trying to do. Altogether too often we make decisions to change and then they fall by the wayside, shoved behind grocery shopping, laundry and aggressive driving. So here I am world--openly declaring my mission, thinking that perhaps pursuing my mission publicly will somehow commit me to truly change. We will see...
Just so we are all aware of what I am doing here--for any of those who somehow fall across my dreadful blogging--I am on a mission to find myself. I am not entirely sure whether I am trying to find myself or recover myself. I have long contemplated this question. Did I ever know who I was? Maybe, maybe not. Do I know who I am now? No--I don't think I do. I know who I think I am supposed to be and I am pretty damn good actress and portraying that role. This begs the question, however, whether who I am trying to be now if who I really am or who I think I am supposed to be...oh the confusion. In the end, it doesn't really matter. I am not my genuine person right now, at least not fully. No to say that I am lying...just not being true to myself. Which is why I will wear pink high heels. That is something genuine. I know this--there is no question--I just haven't ever had the courage to wear them and do so proudly. So that is my goal--so proudly wear pink high heels, among many other goals that is--many more important goals--but the high heels are something tangible.
So, this is my journey. To find myself. To find who and what I am, and to embrace it. I am scared. What if I find out that I am a bad person or someone no ones likes? What if I fall off the wagon? What if everyone I know and love leaves me because my genuine person is some evil ogre and awful and ugly? But what if I live my whole life not being who I am supposed to be--merely acting a role rather than living it? Today I am choosing the scarier option--the road less traveled. Thank you Robert Frost.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference

...Robert Frost