A Father's Wisdom

Mountain Dew Ultraviolet is gross. Fact. Not the real point here though. I love my Dad--though I don't get much time to spend with him. He is very different now than how he was growing up--though I didn't get much of a chance to know him then either. It was a bad combination of lifestyles, I guess you could say. The upshot of all of it is that I am just now really getting to know my pops. Making it that much harder is that we live 2000 miles away...it makes me sad. Very sad. When Ross (my husband) and I were visiting recently, my dad and I were talking about grad school and graduation and everything else in life. Correction. I was complaining about school and lamenting it starting again...blah blah blah. Anyway, in his wise wisdom he opened my eyes to something--something that, if I can take it to heart and live my vague understanding of it, might make the next 9 months (finishing school, not baking a baby) a little easier. "Boo, its always something else. There will always be something else. You will finish one thing and there will always be another. It isn't about the 'what' of what your are doing, but rather, the 'who'". Huh? Yeah--its not the easiest to explain in a blog--nor is is quite as easy to digest without a side of Dale's Pale Ale--but the theory behind it is that you will continue to feel as you do, no matter the task, as long as you stay the same. Again--clear as mud. Maybe if I explain it in real-life terms....
I am counting the days down to May 15th. It is my graduation day. Mentally, I feel like everything will be better if I can just get through the next 9 months--that suddenly life will be fixed. I will be happier--Ross and I will be happier. (Kind of like when I thought that being less than 90 pounds would make boys like me and my life would be perfect--no, not so much).Life will just be better. But as my dad pointed out, however, something will just take school's place. I will have something else to complain about or be anxious about or to "get through." The only way that things will really be better is if I change my view on things--my perspective--my outlook. This is daunting but give me hope--and fuels my pink high heel project. It is daunting as it takes a profuse amount of energy to change one's perspective. Hopeful, however, because it makes the next year of school potentially less scary. I am a little late in discovering this--school starts tomorrow. Or rather--I should have visited my daddy a little earlier in the summer. Nonetheless, it is a glimmer of hope.

CAGE

CAGE is the screening questionnaire that is used to screen for alcoholism. I took the test tonight and failed. These are the questions:

1. Have you ever felt you should cut down on your drinking?

2. Have people annoyed you by criticising your drinking?

3. Have you ever felt bad or guilty about your drinking?

4. Have you ever had a drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or get rid of a hangover (eye-opener)?

If you answer yes to 2 or more of these, you are at risk for a drinking problem or alcoholism. I scored a 2...it is true that I have often thought that I needed to cut back and I have often felt guilty about drinking. This scares me--it scares me to the core. It is a hard concept for me to grasp though. I don't feel abnormal--it is more that I really enjoy a glass of wine or two in the evenings after a long and stressful day at work or school or clinical....when I "drink alone" it is not hard liquor nor am I trying to hide it from anyone--I just so happen to have a glass of wine in the evenings when my husband isn't home yet. I don't hide my drinking, I don't lie about how much I drink. I certainly don't need to drink to get through the day and have never needed an eye-opener. I drink wine and beer--never hard liquor...though I don't suppose that matters. My drinking has never interfered with any of my responsibilities...but I do crave a glass of wine or two, or a beer at night. Am I an alcoholic? I wonder. I drink to relax me, to let go, to relax. I feel guilty when I have had too much to drink because I feel like crap and I act stupid. It doesn't happen too terribly often, but more often than I think is right. "Just stop" you might say--but that is where I get hung up--I am having a hard time doing that...just stopping. I don't know whether it is because of dependence or habit. I don't know if it is because I feel so stressed beyond belief half the time right now that I don't otherwise know how to chill out. It is social. It is personal. I am scared. I think that somewhere in my history there was an alcoholic...there was certainly a great grandparent addicted to gambling. Maybe I just need to get pregnant--I certainly would never drink during my pregnancy...I write this as I sip a glass of wine, alone on my couch. Hypocrit. I failed the CAGE....

The Irony of A/C

Just as I was beginning to think that a true Virginia summer would never happen, today happened. In true August fashion, it is hot and stickey outside with promises of temps nearing 100 this weekend. Ahhhh--something to look forward to. I mention this only becuase of the impact it has on every indoor activity you might possibly participate in and the obnoxious impact on my wardrobe. I don't like wearing shorts (refer back to shadows on my thighs) and yet wearing anything else in weather like this is truly oppressive. Jeans are completely out of the question and capris are borderline--thus necessitating the need for shorts. As for upper body attire, this is always a tough decision--finding something to wear that will not show the truly obscene amounts of sweat (i.e. anything black or white) but that doesn't require a strapless bra (too labor intensive). The upshot is that I end up in the same outfit neraly daily and have to replace my white anything every 2weeks on account of the hideous and embarrassing yellow pit stains. The irony of all of this, however, is that we dress scantily to brave the rediculous heat and humidity but just end up someplace indoors where the A/C is cranking and you are laucky if the temperature is 60, tops. If you are not wearing a bra with your strapless something or other, then you are even worse off as it looks like you are smuggling tic tacs, raisinettes if God was kinda. This necessitates the bringing of a sweater to all indoor locations in the dead of summer. I can't even begin to tell you how silly I feel carrying an emergency cardigan with me lest I die of hypothermia in a movie theater or mall. I might feel slightly less chagrin about the topic if I were not the only person sporting a 3/4 length J.Crew look-alike @ 95 degrees and 85% humidity outside, but that never seems to be the case. How is it that the mini teens and tweens walk around in practically nothing and never seem to get cold? I don't know--nor do I know why I am wondering about such things....funny how the mind works. Either way, it is hot as butt outside and when the alarm clock goes off at 5:45, the A/C should not already be on!

Mold, Marlin and Fear

I have every good reason to be scared of my MIL's food. Today, minding my own business, eating a unidentifiable noodle dish given to us by said MIL, I stab another bite and looked down to see a gumball size pocket of green and white fuzzy mold staring at me. Not immediately puking was not an easy task, but sitting with a group of semi-strangers meant I could not follow such instincts. Swallowing hard, I fought the urge to dry heave and instead, very politely excused myself from the table and rocketed the grossness into the trash. EWWWWWWW!!!! Need I say more? And my husband wonders why I pick at everything and sniff everything his mother gives us. GROSS!
I caught one of the beginning portions of Finding Nemo this morning and it dawned on me that I am much like Marlin. Scared of everything--always wondering the what-ifs and letting them paralyze me. I really am not scared of everything--but I am scared enough that it changes how I live my life. There are risks that I wish I had taken, choices that I wish I had made, opportunities that I lost--all based on my fear. There are lots of fears. Fear of not being prepared, of not knowing how to do something, of being wrong or looking stupid, of the unknown, of anything different. I do really well with routines and changes from that make me anxious. It is anxiety too--I am anxious as that damn fish--and look where it got him! Nowhere! His mini-flippered son disappeared and it wasn't until he manned up and grew a pair (if fish even have a pair) that things turned out okay. Is that what I need to do? Grow a proverbial pair?
Fears. The fears. I would be an airline pilot right now if I hadn't been scared. I would also not have gone to UVA. I would be able to get rid of my paper bank and credit card statements. I would be able to be honest all the time without fear of being left and abandoned. I would be able to "stick to my guns" and not be resentful and frustrated for giving up my convictions. I might be able to stand up for myself (or maybe not) and I might even be willing to put my neck out and write the children's book I have always wanted to write. Fear and anxiety. Fear and anxiety.
I feel pathetic. I am a semi-grown woman (I will never be a real grown up) and I am dominated by fear and anxiety. I am expert and playing out in my head all the possible scenarios in any situation. And I let those scenarios stop me in my tracks--freeze me. FUCK! Even my career (though I love taking care of my kiddos with cancer and would never in a million years take it back) is based on SOMEONE ELSE'S hopes and dreams and aspirations. Not my own!
Wow--never said that out loud before. Feels a little odd...maybe some sense of freedom...though I probably won't ever really feel that until I apologize to the person whose dream I copied. I am struggling to believe that it doesn't make me a bad person. Struggling and failing. If you read this--you know who you are--I am sorry--and someday maybe I will be fearless enough to actually say it to your face.
I am sorry world. I am a coward. A fake. Is that why I want to do daredevil things? To prove that I am fearless? Is that why I want to find myself? To prove that I am not a fake?

Reading and Rockstar

Just one more chapter, just a few more pages, then I'll quit and do what I need to do. FAT CHANCE! I am like an addict once I start reading a good book--I just can't stop. Now I am not reading quality literature, mind you, it is more like a series of murder/romance mystery novels. It is mindless, and escape of sorts. That has been my M.O. today...read while I was on the elliptical machine, rand errands, sat down and read some more, finally took a shower, sat down and read some more. I am truly ignoring what should be done--like unloading the dishwasher and putting clothes away...actually, I should be doing my schoolwork. As is true with many things in my life, the less I have to do, the less motivated I am to do it. I have been procrastinating on a number of things for school for, oh, the last 6 weeks--but it is time to face the music. Why do we procrastinate? Is it really that we just don't feel like doing something? Is it because we don't know what we are doing and so we just put it off? I am sitting here, sipping a sugar-free Rockstar (I really don't understand the hype surrounding this bizarre cocktail of nutrients--it tastes like weird bubblegum and turns your pee a disconcerting color of neon green, kinda like methotrexate pee), procrastinating. Part of my procrastination has been fooling around on the "Stumble!" site and seeing what I come across--its so nice and mindless! In my stumbles I came across a site that I have seen before and really liked--so that will be my self-lesson for the day--follow these mental heuristics:

If you want something done, do it yourself

Comment: Obviously true, and doing it is usually very good for your self esteem. A surprising amount of work can be done this way, and experts are not always necessary. However, there is a risk of becoming overworked if you try to do everything yourself - we all need other people after all.

---

Never procrastinate anything you can do right now

Comment: Very powerful. There are many things that can be fixed or solved with a minimum of effort, but are often pushed aside as unimportant. Unfortunately they won't go away, and in time the feelings of guilt for not having done them will make you even less likely of fixing the problems.

---

When you have several things you could be doing and don't know which to do: Just do any one of them!

Comments: If you cannot decide between two or more possibilities, then there is a good chance that the differences don't matter. However, most people begin to hesitate in this kind of situation (Fredkin's paradox). If you are conscious of this, you can just choose one choice randomly or according to some standard method.

---

Always assume that you will succeed

Comments: If you don't expect to succeed in an endeavor, then you will not do your best and will not notice possible solutions, while if you feel that you will eventually succeed you will concentrate all your power at the problem. Of course, there is no point in attempting what you cannot do, a certain amount of self-knowledge is always needed.

---

If you can't find a solution, change the rules.

Comment: Remember that there are no no-win scenarios.

---

If you cannot do anything about something, there is no point in worrying about it.

Comment: Worrying is stressful, and in most situations doesn't accomplish anything - it just wastes energy. Instead of worrying about things, either do something about them or find ways around the problem. One useful idea is to write down your worries on slips of paper, and then put them away in a box. Regularly, once a week or so, you open the box and see what you can do about the worries that are still relevant.

---

Do not rely on conscious decisions for speed - Just Do It

Comments: The conscious mind is surprisingly slow, conscious choices and actions are delayed for a significant time (a reflex acts within some tens of milliseconds, an unconscious reaction to external stimuli circa 100 milliseconds and a conscious choice several seconds). The duty of the conscious mind is usually to inhibit rather than start action, and if you become too conscious of what you are doing in a tense situation you will hesitate or slow down.

It is a good idea to learn to rely on your non-conscious mind, since our conscious mind is slow and has very low bandwidth while the other systems in our brains have a tremendous capacity and actually do most of the real work anyway.

---

Don't try to explain away your actions for yourself

Comment: While we often do things we do not want to explain our real motivations for before other people (out of fear of embarrassment, anger or loss of image), it is a bad idea to try to convince oneself that the motivation was anything different from what it was. It will only reduce your self-knowledge with deliberate misinformation, and it is often valuable to understand what motivations you have (even if you dislike them or would never admit them in public).

---

Listen to your intuition, but do not believe it unconditionally

Comments: Intuitive or emotional thinking, analogies, "gut feelings" or "flashes of inspiration" can sometimes give fantastic new insights or show problems from a new direction. Unfortunately such thinking isn't always reliable, and quite often completely wrong! Such insights should never be accepted because you admire their beauty or they are intuitive, only because they fit with reality.

And with that...I am off to do something productive

Me

I am embracing myself, my whole, my thoughts and feelings--my me. I am finding myself...which means lists. I love lists. I love crossing things off lists. I make lists when I am bored in class or waiting for friends at the mall (ooh that sounds so 6th grade) or when I am trying to fall asleep at night....so here are a few things about me...a list (muahahahaha)

1. One of my pet peeves is when people don't call when they say they are going to call. WTF. We all have cell phones--its not like you aren't close to a phone. Fine, I understand if you n't talk, but its still not hard to say that to a person when you call them. Either way--call like you say you are going to. Or send a voice mail--you don't even have to call for real! Or text! C'mon people--its a common courtesy. I am less annoyed by people who don't call you back when you leave them multiple messages, but I can forget about that more easily.
   
2. I am very texture-sensitive about foods--which is why my mother in law's leftovers scare me. I don't like onions on pizza or in lasagna. All the yucky parts in chicken should be taken off PRIOR to cooking. If I bite into something that crunches or is rubbery when it shouldn't be, the meal is over. YUCK!
3. I drink my milk with ice cubes in it and I like any food that is supposed to be hot to be ATOMIC hot
4. I love thunderstorms and blizzards.
5. I have my first cavity this year:-(
6. I have an older brother--he once rolled me down the stairs hogtied wrapped in a flannel blanket--we are friends now. We look nothing alike and people are confused about who is older. I am 3 years younger.
7. I am the spitting image of my father but I can feel when I am making the same faces my mom makes
8. I never lost my Moro reflex as a baby--I startle with even the slightest noise and it gets to me sometimes
9. Loud noises really bother me occasionally (another reason my MIL gets to be sometimes)
10. I love the smell of pine-sol, rain on hot asphalt, and fresh baking bread.
    

Signs

I got to thinking today...what would happen if I let "signs" run my life? The night I started my blog, Jillian, the bachelorette, wore pink high heels (on a tangent, she chose the wrong man--Ed and his mankini were a bad choice, she was a fool to pass up Kiptyn--he was a real steal, like anything you buy at the VS semi-annual sale)--was that a sign? Maybe. How about Tuesday--last week I found out that I need to be tested for antiphospholipid syndrome and there was a women on the mother/baby suite who had it and was having troubles. Or how about today--finding 6 matching baskets at Target (I have been looking for 6 matching baskets for 2 months now) and they were on clearance. Or the boat in Ft. Lauderdale named the Bella Contessa--my nick name combined with the name I want to name my daughter (no, I am not packing a fetus at this point in time)....or maybe signs are like horoscopes and tarot cards--people apply them to their lives as they wish--they want to see them work and so mentally they figure out a way for the signs to really mean something or the horoscope to be true. I don't think that there is anything wrong with this--I think that it can be a powerful motivator, but I don't necessarily believe that it is true. Ahhh, the power of suggestion...
There is something spooky, romantic, mystical, amazing about the idea of following the signs. Maybe because it is an excuse to not have to make decisions, to ride on the whims of the universe. Some might see it as a way to live freely...others as a way to avoid taking responsibility for anything. Ask yourself, do you believe in signs?